Not all Bartenders are Ninjas, but we are all assholes.
2 customers walk in the door. One wearing a wife beater, the other wearing a Cubs Jersey. Both have on Cubs hats.
Customer 1 (jersey) - I’ll have a jager bomb, and whatever this F*g wants.
Customer 2 (wife beater) - …Washington Apple.
Both down their shots, pay, and walk out the door.
C’mon Bruhs! Your team just won 7 games in a row. There’s no need t drop a loud F bomb in my bar and alienate yourself from the other customers. Also, you order pussy shots. I said it, PUSSY SHOTS. A Washington Apple? You know there is cranberry juice in that right? That’s like ordering a shot size Cosmopolitan. I won’t even start with Canadien Whiskey that is involved. Then there is the Jager Bomb. If there isn’t a bigger waste of money at a bar. First off, most bars don’t even do the original drop shot technique anymore, its a pain in the ass, and you lose money on all the energy drink that is used. Most bars now pour a shot of Jager in a rocks glass and add energy drink directly into it. Here’s the problem for the consumer. Do you know what a lot of jager and red bull tastes like? Red Bull. Do you know what a little jager and red bull tastes like? Red Bull.
Man up guys. You’re not in college anymore. Leave the F bomb at home with your book of “shooter recipes”
Figures this would be my last table of a super long week of work.
Setting - Halsted Harp
Who - Four women asking for “Chicago Beers”
Me - Super pissed off and ready to go home to break boards and shine my katanas.
After I send these ladies a round of Goose Island Beers and our chips and salsa. (our most inexpensive appetizer)
Ninja Bartender - “Does anyone need anything?”
Bitch #1 - “Y’know…do you have a salsa that isn’t so…wet?”
Ninja Bartender - “We also have a pico de gallo.”
Bitch #2 - “Pico de gallo isn’t a salsa”
Ninja Bartender - “Yes, it is”
Bitch #2 - “You know what I mean”
Ninja Bartender - “Honestly I don’t”
After the ladies pay their 23.**$ tab, I come to find that they did not leave me any tip. Here’s why you shouldn’t piss off your Ninja Bartender. Because now I want to go to your house while you sleep and cut off all your cats paws. Then I’ll dip my new kitty footprint makers into paint and have them lead you to what you think will be your kitty, but will really be me dressed in all black, holding your pawless cat as I stab you with my short sword.
And to think, this all could have been avoided if each whore just gave in one whore dollar to my collection of ninja tips.
post script - I think I might only do the cat thing to two of the women. I want the other two women to forever live in fear of my oncoming assault
As I am handing a customer the drink he just ordered, I am asked this question.
Customer - “What’s a Shock Top?”
Ninja Bartender - “It’s a Belgian White. Very Similar to Blue Moon. “
Customer - “Awesome, I’ll have that next.”
Ninja Bartender - “I’m not Netflix, you don’t have an instant queue. Order it when you are ready for it.”
Allow me to open those for you.
No longer will I allow you to order a kiddie cocktail by asking for a “Sprite and Grenadine.” If you really want one, you have to order it by it’s actual name of Kiddie Cocktail or Shirley Temple. I want you to feel stupid and embarrassed for ordering it.
^small children to not apply. just grown adults.
Things that will get you a shuriken to the face.
- Don’t ask me for a Dr. Pepper, or Root Beer.
- Do not tell me that someone puked in the bathroom. Ninjas always kill the messenger.
- Don’t ask me if the kitchen is open at 1pm. Of course it is moron.
- I’m not google maps. I don’t care where you’re going nor do I want to explain to you how to get there.
- Do not make me run your credit card three times or more in one night.
- Don’t ask me “What’s a good shot?” I don’t know what you like.
- Just to be safe, don’t talk to me.
Welcome to my new blog where I can share with you all the plights of working in the hospitality business. For those that know me, I’m a fairly impatient person with a large temper. A ticking time bomb with a fuse the size of a kneeling midget.
What annoyed me today? I’ll tell you.
-Listen up oversize lady customers. I’m sick of you ordering a water with your Diet Coke. We both know you’re not going to touch it, and instead ask for an unforgivable amount of refills on your soda. The problem with this is that even though it would seem easy enough to wash a glass of untouched ice water, somehow these omega moo’s still manage to get BBQ sauce all over the glass. Are you moving the glass to see if it is obstructing the view of more food you can eat? On a scale of 1-10, with one being somewhat annoyed and 10 being I’m going to fart on your food, I give this annoyance a 4.